Will I always be a fat girl?
It will never matter what size I am on the outside, I fear I will forever be a fat girl inside. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. I love myself. I am confident. I see my beauty. I didn’t state that I believe I am ugly. I just see myself as fat.
Does this have anything to do with reality? Since beauty is relative to culture and geography. I guess it depends on where I am standing.
In my late teens and early twenties, I became very obese. I can go into a long story about genetics, depression and identity. But take it from me: I gained an outrageous amount of weight.
Then, I met an amazingly kind and level-headed doctor, who showed me the way to a healthier and much thinner me. I lost over 120 pounds during my first lifestyle evolution.
I went on to lose more, but after that 120 mark I learned to watch the numbers you get from blood tests – not a scale.
I look nothing like the Casey from those years. The photos I have stashed away deep in a closet look like a stranger to me.
After my weight loss, I suffered through two surgeries to correct some of the damage my body had suffered. And I still hope to complete that surgical journey one day. It has been scary, painful and exhilarating.
One day, many years after my weight loss and surgeries, I made myself a promise to never again judge myself by my size and to let go of the “fat girl” forever.
So why is she still here?
Because this week the Disney empire carved the soul out of little girl named Merida to fit her into a smaller dress.
Everywhere I look, the message is skinny is beautiful, skinny is healthy, skinny means you have self control, skinny is sexy, skinny is better than fat.
My pain is real. I have been unable to write this blog without taking breaks to cry heavily into my hands. I deeply hope this open letter to the world will help me take another painful and cathartic step in the right direction.
There are days I feel strong and up to the fight – days where I am grounded, I feel empowered and beautiful.
And, there are days when I want to scream.
Here is the article where I found this image.
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Casey…..I don’t know you, but I know this struggle. This is beautifully written and I thank you for expressing what I feel. xo
Lisa…we know each other better than some people we see every day. It is nice to meet you.
What a timely letter. That sure hit home with me today! I just wanted to let you and Sloan know how much I appreciated and enjoyed the workshop last night. It was very interesting to see another perspective outside of real estate. I’ve even quoted you a few times today! And best of all, I had 20 things in an ‘accomplishment’ (to do list) notebook and was able to cross off all but 3. Of course, one was exercise and the other were bills! Surprise, surprise. I’m going to keep my lists in a notebook (journal) to get that proud feeling of accomplishment when I wonder what I did with all my time! And luckily, 2 houses I have listed sold. And they weren’t even on my list!
One of the things on my list for tomorrow are to sign up for the remainder of your workshops!
Thanks again for your insight and patience. You’re a wonderful inspiration and beautiful as well!
Cathie
Cathie…
I enjoyed the lab too. What an energizing night of dedicated and creative women. Thank you for your note. I love the idea of keeping the lists to demonstrate to yourself your accomplishments. Great, great idea! I hope you find time to take a walk and sit outside in this glorious weather today 🙂
oh – i love every inch of you – beautiful, gorgeous, lovely, thoughtful, caring, phenomenal you!!
xoxo
aaa
April… I love you too! All of you inside and out. Your heart is fat!
my bum is fat, too. but nice and cushy to sit on. 🙂
Not to mention the fab hugs you share!
Casey- Blessings for sharing your story. I have struggled my entire adult life with weight, gaining and losing more than another “me” several times over. I am 54 now, most people see me as thin, but it will always be my battle between emotional eating and health and there will be a fat girl in the mirror looking back at me who isn’t there. At 50 I became really scared because both sides of my family have died young of coronary disease, and at least for my daughter, I wanted not to be one of the next in line. And so I “try” to remind myself that it feels better not to lug around the weight and that getting my 30 or 45 minutes brisk walk in each day is good for my heart and my head. Some days are easier than others. The sweet dog we adopted 5 years ago loves me for those walks also. Everyone is fighting their own battle, mine happens to be using food to handle stress and emotions. My biggest victory is not keeping the weight off, it is realizing I do not have to be perfect, and just living one day at a time.
Peace on your journey.
Karen… I wish you peace on your journey too. Thank you for your note. You are inspiring.
Jon Stewart did right by Merida last night. Told the Disney execs that princesses come in all forms. Casey you were a princess then and you are a queen today. The only measurement that counts is the size of your heart.
I hope the Merida story leads to a ton of open discussion about this issue. We have to face the negative images that are being sold to all of about bodies and our self worth. I love Jon Stewart for many reasons, but today I love him more for using his voice to talk about this.
I’m still on my weight-loss journey as I read your post. I’ve lost 200lbs and change and have another 55-ish to go. No matter how much I lose or what my dress size (10 right now; soon to change again), I will always be a proud fat girl, and I would like to encourage women of all ages (I’m about to turn 47) to claim the badge of fat-girl honor.
We shame ourselves and other women into complying with rules of conformity that serve no one, except may be marketing companies like Disney who will ruthlessly twist even the most benign images to make a buck. We don’t have to judge one another and ourselves. We can choose to reach out to people, other women, and seek connection instead of shame and disconnection.
If we’re going to build a better world, connection and compassion have to replace shame and blame.
Melissa…my doctor would call you “a poster girl” for healthy living. You are an inspiration to so many. I believe keeping the conversation open will help us find the way to a better, more kind and less critical world. Keep sharing!
I’ve never commented on a blog but this was powerful and I wish I could get my students to read this. It was eye-opening and enlightening. I have always seen you as beautiful. Inside and out.
Rai…thank you. What a honor to be your first blog comment. If this blog starts any conversations that bring forth good. I will be thrilled. And, I hope this response finds you happy, healthy and living a life filled with laughter…old friend 🙂
you’re fat?
hmmm , i never seemed to notice that.
learn something new everyday.
I love you!
Wow. Beautifully spoken. And you put in words how so many of us feel. Thank you for that.
Is it my imagination, or do all the princesses since Ariel end up looking the same?
Thank you,
Teresa…thank you. Your words mean the world to me. I am glad I could give some people a “voice”. Every time I break down my walls I find a field of happy people waiting for me.
PS…Yes, they all look alike. It is creepy.
Casey, I am so grateful when I get the chance to spend time with you and Sloane, but reading this has given me a greater appreciation for you. I know the struggle. I am actually back to working out, drinking more water and trying to eat better. I know it took time for me to put the weight on and it will take time to get it off. It’s nice to be able to write these words to someone who has the spirit and the fortitude to share this journey. It is an honor to know you and Sloane. Personally I would rather cheer on others than tear them down as sometimes we see with societal pressures. Keep up the good work!
Big hug and thanks! My life is rich and filled with so many amazing people. Thank you for being a part of my village.
Thank you for this, and for the comments. My fat girl battle is ongoing, and I have failed time and again and am just picking up the lance to joust again. It is cathartic to see this discussion – that weight loss isn’t ‘simple’, not just a before and after picture. That I’m not the only one for whom its an identity I have a complicated relationship with. I have to work hard to control emotional eating (or, as I call it, food addiction) and it’s amazing to hear from others who also struggle but have overcome. It helps to reaffirm that maybe the voices in my head and out that say I’m fat because I’m not good enough (no self control, lazy) to be skinny and all that connotes are wrong. Casey, I’ll be printing this one for my inspiration board. You’re amazing – never let anyone tell you differently.
Christy…your note is an inspiration to me. I think every time I talk about this issue I find “sisters and brothers” in the world that share my joy and pain. Just remember you are beautiful, today, tomorrow and every day to come.
I knew you then and I know you now. The important things haven’t changed, even if your weight has. I’m gonna love you, no matter what. – sloane
Back at ‘cha…
I understand your journey, but you are beautiful! I always see you with a welcoming smile on your face! There are so many of us who battle with this problem and society doesn’t make it any easier.
As for Merida, there is hope! There was a petition on MoveOn.org and apparently on other sites to bring back the original Merida, and apparently it worked! After speaking with my son about this, he sent me this link.http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/05/17/creator-of-brave-s-merida-talks-disney-backlash.html
Thank you Roxanne. I signed the petition many days ago. Thank you so very much for sharing the link with our readers. You rock!
Sat on a flight with a woman yesterday who weighed 368 pounds prior to her bariatric surgery and the list of issues and the 12 surgeries she has had to repair her body post this weight baffled me until she told me she had been an abused child, it all made sense being obese kept everyone at a distance..Now that I am helping my hubby with a weight loss program my eyes are wide open to an entire area for people that causes so many so much pain..I do feel though as a nurse and as a country we die of diseases of excess in this country and as a nation our nutrition is in the toilet..Emotional eating is a fascinating topic to me because honestly, I had NO idea how much of it I did myself and exactly what BESIDES nutrition I was eating that crap for..I think you are that much more special to me now for sharing this-it is such a struggle for many-myself included as I am pre-diabetic already..Who cares the shape, I care the relationship with food only now..
Thank you for words and sharing your nursing experience to keep this health issue moving forward. Our community is better because of you.
What a beautiful and heartbreaking post. Your honesty is chilling – and the issue could be so many different pains; replace the word ‘fat’ with abuse, disease, alcohol…This is what makes your post so precious, it applies to all of us somewhere deep inside. Thank you for sharing. Casey, you don’t need my approval but I will take this opportunity to tell you that when I walk into your shop and you greet me, the woman I see is VIBRANT, INTELLIGENT, COOL, VIVACIOUS, CARING and STRONG! You’re truly beautiful and an inspiration to me!
Christine…thank you for your words. It is wonderful to connect with so many people. My life is fab. I am a happy person. But, our society keeps labeling people with negative body messages and there are days when it makes sense to speak up. Again, thank you!
Finally got the chance to really read this. You are beautiful and so brave. I just really admire you, dear friend. When I look at you, I see a healthy, vibrant, FABULOUS woman, though I know you didn’t write the blog to gather compliments. I still like to give them =) This is such a loaded topic, especially for us females. Merida didn’t just get Barbie doll proportions, she got a full dose of Glamour Shots. Seriously…I was so upset with Disney. Why can’t a fresh faced tomboy (yes, that was me) be a princess/hero? Why does she have to be sexualized and glammed up. To me, it’s not just about her size – it’s the flowing hair, the too-old-for-her age make up, the sparkled up dress, Our girls get enough messaging about how much the ‘outside’ matters as it is. Enough, Disney! I’m trying hard to make my daughter understand that the inside counts more, and this kind of thing just makes it even harder.
Jeanne…
Thanks for the note. I agree it is complicated…very, very.
hug…Casey