This Friday I will have a surgical procedure to remove cells that, left alone, could turn into cancer. These pesky cells were discovered during a routine yearly exam with my gynecologist, after which she called to let me know that my test results showed an abnormality and she wanted to take a closer look. During this second visit, after a look-see, she calmly said, “I am going to take a couple of quick biopsies.”
What happened next is a bit fuzzy, because when I heard “biopsy” my heart stopped beating and my head started to spin. My family doesn’t have great history with biopsy results. And, in my experience, biopsy spells CANCER.
I don’t have cancer. I may never develop cancer. And I am more than willing to have these cells cut from my body later this week.
I think I may even survive the heart stopping attacks I have suffered during this process. First, biopsies. Then, waiting for results. Then, being told I have high grade cancer-causing cells. Then, the call to let me know the amount I will owe the hospital Friday after my very expensive health insurance is done accounting for the 80/20-out-of-pocket-co-pay-deductible-not-covered-under-your-plan-matrix-of-go-screw-yourself-lady-coverage.
But talking about CANCER in relation to my body has changed me forever. I will learn to live with the reality that my body carries a virus that causes cancer sometimes. I will learn to forget about it for long periods of time. I will learn to not live in fear of cancer. I will re-read all the anti-cancer lifestyle books I have read because of my mother’s breast cancer and my father’s lymphoma. I will make more lifestyle changes. I will feel blessed that I had the resources to have preventative care. I will get more sleep. I will continue my journey to control my anxiety and my stress. I will eat my fruits and veggies. I will walk thousands of miles for my health. I will show up for all my exams and tests in the years to come. And soon I believe I will feel lucky that I don’t have cancer.
But I will never again walk into my doctor’s office with the same confidence I did before this happened.
This week, my father is travelling to MD Anderson in Houston for a battery of tests to find out if his 18+ months of chemotherapy is working to put his lymphoma into remission; my mother is at home without an ounce of breast tissue left on her body; and I am joining some of my friends that have been in my same situation.
I am writing this blog to continue the public conversation about cancer, and to help remind myself that we are finding treatments and strategies for prevention and that every day we are closer to a cure. To encourage everyone to get yearly exams, and to educate yourself on your own health.
And I am writing this blog to bolster my own strength in the fight against cancer. I know I should feel like one of the lucky ones, but I don’t yet. I believe I will soon.
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Just got your blog right before I am heading off to bed . I was in your store tonight .you were open for me when all the other stores were closed. My gift for my sister-in-law had to be special . Of course I knew I would find just what she should have. She’s probably never heard of STUFF,but us locals know how special you (and Sloan) are to the neighborhood. So dearest Casey as you swim your way through the turbulent waters,know that we all love you and KNOW you will be with us for a long time. TK
Teresa…I am so glad we were open tonight for you, AND for the Actors Theatre. Our Charity Parties are so fantastic and they give me inspiration to do more for our community. I am thankful for your note. I took your phone call and it made me happy I could tell you we would be open! It was quite perfect timing on your part 🙂 Your words of encouragement touch me so very deeply. It is so powerful to know how many people are supporting me. And, to know how many people are in this fight against cancer. We will find a way to cure cancer…together. I believe! :)Casey
Casey, I was just in your store tonight buying some of those cute cuddly heart pillows. And voila, I now see your blog. I must say that I think it’s great that you can be so honest with your feelings and that you have been able to create a flow chart in your mind of all the ‘what ifs’ that are all so difficult.
As you have seen with your own family members, there is life after cancer. I won’t bother you with all the details of my own life. However, I too am a survivor. I was diagnosed with Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Disease and was given 90 days to live. After 2 years of many treatments, I am still alive and well 20 years later.
I bring this up not to brag on myself even though I’m rather proud of this fact. But to let you know as I’m sure you already do, that the mind is very powerful. Start thinking every moment the C word pops in your brain, that you’re ‘healthy’. Don’t even use the other word. This little yet huge thought will keep you healthy and help fight off any little pesky critters that may try to get in your way.
All my best to you, your family and all of your friends. I’m always available if you wish to lend an ear or shoulder to you!
Cathie
816-853-3979
Cathie…you are such an inspiration. Your kindness touches me deeply. Thank you! I am so sorry you had to fight cancer. I can not possibly understand your pain, fear and strength. You are more than a survivor, you are an example to everyone. I owe you one hundred hugs. Please accept them now. I will most certainly use your advice to not think of myself as someone who could get cancer. That is why I typed the words “I do not have cancer.” so boldly in my blog. I thought I was writing them to make it clear to others, but I realize now I was writing it for myself. Please know I appreciate that you shared a part of your story. I can not know the bravery it takes to face what you have faced. I am better for knowing you. :Casey
Thank you for sharing with all of us. I feel your strength and I send you more ! You are starting a new adventure filled with many tears and smiles and doubts —-Keep a journal and share with all of us who care . Keep reminding all to have their yearly “ouch” !
HA, Marilyn…yearly ouch. That cracks me up. And, laughter is the best medicine 🙂 I am grateful for all these kind notes. And, to hear from people that have clearly fought bigger battles and climbed steeper hills. The fight against cancer is for everyone. I deeply appreciate your words of support. :Casey
I am a survivor of non-hodgkins lymphoma. It is my hope that your father and mother will be survivors and you never have to hear the ugly C word again.
WOW, Michael. I am so grateful for your note. My father is fighting non-hodgkins right now. You are an inspiration. I can’t wait to tell him about your post. Thank you! Every survivor leads the way. I am sorry you had to fight cancer. I can not know your struggles, but I hope you know people everywhere were wishing you well.
Again, thank you. :Casey
Casey, I can identify with your trauma having had breast cancer 9 years ago. I tried to look at the positives that came out of it which your post indicates you are doing as well.
I now know I am not immortal and so I try to let go of the little things that used to make me crazy. I try to enjoy the important things in life and be thankful for all the blessings that surround me. I got to spend time with my adult daughter when she came to stay with me through chemo. I found I had people who cared about me enough to send cards, bring food, and spend time with me when all I could do was sit couch.
Keep your chin up and I hope everything goes well during your surgery.
Cindy…I am sorry about your fight with cancer. I am so happy to hear about your 9 years of good health. You must be getting good at those “positive thoughts”! I can’t know what it must take for you to stay upbeat all the time. I read a great essay written by a woman fighting cancer and the time she was spending in bed playing games with her little girls. Your note made me think of her and how special she said that time was to her. Isn’t life such a mix of all these feelings? My wish for you is to live cancer free. Thanks for to words of encouragement. 🙂 Casey
PS…The essay was posted on the MD Anderson Facebook page a few weeks ago.
love you
thank you. love you too.
I lost my father and brother to cancer and my mother had breast cancer, although she died of something else before the cancer took her. My husband is also 3 years out from having surgery and treatment for colon cancer. (He is our success story.) Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for that other shoe to drop (on me). But then I tell myself I can’t live my life feeling like I have a target on my back. Thanks for the reminder that we need to remain vigilant in having our annual tests! Good luck to you and all your family!
Stacy…I am so sorry for all your loss. Cancer has taken so many people from us all. I read about the amazing advancement with the fight and dream of day cancer is no longer a part of our lives. At the very least a manageable condition. I can’t imagine the strength you must find to keep a smile on your face. Remember to take care of yourself. And, I was told laughter is a great preventative medicine. 🙂 Casey
A ‘dammit doll’ would be very appropriate about now, but just wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers! You have such a positive attitude and am glad your doctor is moving forward and taking care of these cells. One can’t be too pro-active in treatments for our bodies. They are the only ones we have!! Take care…Cancer sucks!
Jan…that cracks me up! Thank you, laughter is the best medicine. I am grateful for your words of encouragement. Yes, cancer sucks! And, I for one am sick of hearing the word. So…let us all march forward together to find a cure. And, laugh lots along the way :)Casey
You are such a brave, straight forward spirit . That helps all of us with whatever we’re facing, or will face. We all want to do all the right things to be healthy, but it’s a lot easier to do them together.
You ARE being strong for all of us !
Virginia…thank you for the note. I don’t know it you know this but one of our Grandmothers was named Virginia. Seeing your name this morning brought her to my mind. Thank you! Your kind and friendly smile always brings such joy. Even across the room at The Mixx 🙂 Hearing from so many people is inspiring. I believe together we will find a cure. I dream about that day. :Casey
I love reading your blogs because they make me feel stronger, brighter and more appreciative of the many important things in our lives! Thank you for sharing your gift of hope and faith. 🙂 hugs! Susan
Susan…the gift of writing a blog is hearing from remarkable people. One of the chapters in an anti-cancer book, I am re-reading to buff up on my anti-cancer super powers, is dedicated to the importance of being connected to people. This blog post did wonders for my feelings of isolation during this process. My wish for everyone is that they are surrounded by such an open, honest and giving community. I am deeply blessed. Thank you for being my friend. :Casey
Casey,
Strength and love to you.
Lisa
Lisa…thank you! I appreciate your post very much. :Casey
thank you for sharing this. you and your family are gifts to one another and yes, lucky.
every day is a gift, trite but TRUE and profound. enjoy this one my new friend.
p.s. i have that same insurance. 😉
Rachelle…your note makes me smile. Not just because you are kind (which you most certainly are), but because as I age those “trite” and “simple” statements become more meaningful. And, I find myself turning to them in my mind more often. I deeply appreciate your words. And, I am sorry that insurance is often the source of stress at times when we are being told to keep our stress under control. Irony…should be the theme of the insurance industry 🙂 :Casey
You are going to be OK. I will see to it myself. I don’t have a huge amount of power but I can make you laugh. And, laughter is powerful. Very, very powerful.
Let me know how it all turns out this week. I’m very busy . . . : )
-sloane
Funny. Spending a day in a waiting room and watching your sister sleep sounds like quite an exciting adventure. I will always love our shared laughter. And, I promise to be a better audience next week. love…your little sister, Casey.
Casey- I too love that you are willing to share your story and your fears and your inspiration. Too many people don’t get the support they need when the diagnosis of possible Cancer is mentioned. I’ve always told you that I think you are a rock star, but today, even more so. Sending tons of good juju to you and your family.
Laura…thank you for the good juju. Each day I live I learn. And, this experience is helping me see how I can find better ways to support others when they are dealing with tough things. I am learning better words to share. And, I am learning that sharing my fears is helpful. You are wonderful to send a note. Thank you. :Casey
Casey–I send a hug and a prayer that all goes well Friday. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping and praying for a good report and a healthy future. Stay well my friend.
Pat…thank you for your prayers. Your kindness means the world to me. I promise to stay well. I look forward to seeing you. I am sure our paths will cross in the community sometime soon. Sending well wishes your way too. :Casey
Our families have two things in common. One is that we are proactive in our healthcare.You are helping countless individuals every day by sharing how important it is to get regular checkups.If insurance and healthcare is limited by prohibitive costs,we will speak up and let those in power know that women need screenings more often than once every few years. And Two-when the dreaded “C” word invades our families, we become advocates for those too weak or drained by chemo and radiation to voice their own fears and confusion. It amazes me the wonderful things you and Sloane do for our community! Our family Loves you !
Ellen,survivor of those nasty precancerous cells, My mom, 35 yr survivor of Breast cancer & 12 year SURVIVOR of PANCREATIC cancer, and my Dad 8 year survivor of Lung Cancer
Ellen…first I want to say “you go Ellen’s family”. What a cancer-kickin’ post! I send you all big congrats on your survivals, awareness and courage. I can not imagine the challenges you have all faced. But, the encouragement your post sends to everyone is fantastic. Thank you for a note filled with inspiration and support to those that work to give people access to preventative care and treatments that can save lives. It is amazing how far we have come and daunting to think how far we must still go. But, while there is a fight against cancer I will stand with you all. I am deeply grateful for your kind words. :Casey
My humble thoughts are with you, your dad, and mom. I loved your post…or rather, loved that you were able ro touch so many of us with your honesty and depth. I am a breast cancer survivor….in November, I will reach the magic five year mark. Thanks for your candid and sincere words….Marcia
Marcia…Congrats on approaching your 5 year survivor mark. That is HUGE. Your note humbles ME. Every word people have shared about my post has given me the gift of human connection. I am so deeply grateful that you took the time to post your kind thoughts. I can not know your journey, but please know I am touched that you shared a small part of your story of survival. You inspire us all. :Casey
Casey! Love and blessings to you!!! Always in my heart are you and your sister!
Thank you Nancy. As they say, “It takes a village.” And, you joined our village so many, many years ago. That may explain a bit of the giggles Sloane and I get sometimes…reminds me of you and Mom. Hugs. :Casey
Thinking nothing but good thoughts and sending prayers and great karma your way!
I just had something very similar happen and had surgery on Jan. 10th.
I’m as happy and healthy as anyone can be and you will be too!
Those cells aren’t cancer yet and they will be gone before they can be!
Carpe Diem!